Susan Layton

Film Producer - ASL Performer - Life Learner

Tag: depression blog

Meditate – Oh How It Helps!

Yesterday was a pretty tough day dealing with the depression.  The fraud stuff and other challenges of the day didn’t help.   But by evening, somehow, I felt better.  That doesn’t happen much.  But I know I’m taking care of myself and I believe it is helping my *whatevers* to be strong and *stuff like that*.  I went to bed at nine o’clock and got up feeling pretty refreshed and in good spirits.  I learned a new pool workout *thing* that have left my arms feeling pretty awesome! One of my laps around I thought I needed to turn around.  What a blessing because one of the ladies, walking near the pool, slipped and fell.  I was near her and happened to see her – because I was turned backwards.  I raced against the current, to where I could get out.  Helping this frazzled sweet lady up, her poor knees and wrists, she said it was only her pride that really hurt.  Yeah, I get that.

Despite my vocab that has been challenged today, I’m feeling really great.  But one thing that has really helped my vocabulary and my ability to focus and remember things easier is when I meditate.  I’d say for the last week I have not taken the time to meditate and now I’m seeing the effects.  Over the past few months, I’ve struggled with my diminishing on-the-spot vocabulary, ability to focus and just remembering *happenings*, thank goodness for my calendar!  So, I studied how I could stay on top of my vocab, focus, and memory.  I read over and over that taking the time to meditate has been shown to help with these … *righto*.   I have noticed that when I meditate, my brain is my active and attentive.  My words come easier and my memory is sharper.

Word Cloud Meditate 3It’s hard with a busy life to sit and take time to meditate.  But I try and find the time.  I get out of the pool ten minutes early and sit in the hot tub.  I take the time to stretch and meditate.  I usually focus on my breathing.  I also take some time to focus on positive things while I breathe slowly in and out.  I try hard not to let my mind wander.  That’s the hard part.  But I feel recharged and positive after those 10 minutes.  I have noticed a stronger mind, and more balanced, since I started.  When I don’t go to the pool but exercise other places or the days I’m “off” (or like today when I didn’t realize the time and it was time to leave for work and I’m still in the pool), the time to meditate just doesn’t happen.  And when it doesn’t happen, I see the effects later, like today. Yeah, it’s becoming a necessity to meditate … and a pleasure!

What have you done to recharge yourself today?  How does meditation help you?  Where is your favorite place to sit and just breathe?  Comment below.

No Bueno …

Today is a day that has reminded me that this terrible disease is not fun.  For me, depression is like a room full of the fattest elephants sitting on top of you.  It’s hard to think, let alone breathe.  It’s numbing.  You have no where to go, and even if you could, you have no where to go.  It’s so terribly terrible! It is.

This morning, I dropped off my kiddos to school and then I was on my way to swimming, fighting the tears, fighting the feelings.  Arriving to the aquatic center, I just sat in my car. I sat there fighting the feeling to start the car again and leave.  But then my phone rang.  That didn’t help.  Major fraud in my name (AGAIN!) … SIGH!!! … These very disrespectful and rude nincompoops (and just so disrespectful and rude!) are at it again.  I called my hubby and shared the news.  I told him I gotta go in and exercise or I will be a complete and utter mess!  He told me, “GO!”  I did.  I decided to not wait.  I know that if I wait, I will stop in my tracks, the feet (and mind) just can’t go any further.  But I did – I went in.  I was proud of myself.  That was hard!  While I was doing my laps, I just focused on how strong I was, reminded myself of how much I love this part of my days.  The sweet folks in the pool asked the routine, “How are you?”  I just took a breath each time, smiled and said, “I’m good.”  Not really.  But I’m better because I’m here.  That’s what I reminded myself each time, too.

I worked hard those 80 minutes.  And then I went and worked on the elliptical machine and the bike for another 30 minutes.  I just needed to.  I felt better.

I’m not totally well right now.  But I wanted to record this before I forget the struggle… and the victories of this day.  Right now, they’re not “hooray” kind of victories or any of the sort, but victories are victories!!!  I’m still taking breaths.  Mostly shallow, but that is okay! I’m still just trying to make sense of this day, and really just make it through.  I will.  🙂  It’ll just take a bit of extra effort.  No promises that tears won’t come.  But I’ll get through it.

I do hope that as you read this blog (or any of my postings now or in the future), that you won’t think me anything but a person who loves her family, has a passion and love of the arts, and one who tries her best in all that she does.  I’m not a bad person.  I’m not a person anyone should ever feel they can’t be friends with.  I try to be kind, respectful and loving.  Depression is just a challenge I was blessed with.  And I will come out a stronger person because of it.

Much love and a warm blanket,


My Suit is Suiting Me Well!

Thus far, I have been going to “therapy” for almost two weeks, resting on both Saturday and Sunday.  I am a different me!  I feel GREAT!  It has snowed three times, rained three days, gloomy a few of the other days and sunny (but sweater weather) the rest of the time.  By this time of the year, with this kind of weather, I wouldn’t make it out of my house much.  If I wasn’t scheduled for work or at church, I would mostly be in my bed or trying to get things done around the house.  I would have such trouble in my head and cry in my pillow (or driving or wherever anyone was not).  When I would go out, everyone would think I was the happiest of people.  I would try very hard to hide my struggles with depression.  I very much dislike looking like a miserable, howling, dying cat.  (Smiling but it’s true!)

The first few days (“or so”) of my water ‘therapy’ I kept reminding myself that I am fighting against depression.  It was on my mind the entire time I was in the Lazy River, not being lazy. Ha. The next couple of days it was snowing and I just tried turning my thoughts to “it’s snowing and that’s not bad”.  I felt like Wreck-it-Ralph in “Wreck-It-Ralph” during his therapy session.  🙂  But after those days passed, I’m not there for depression anymore.  Sure, it’s the underlying purpose I get myself to the aquatic center every day and will continue to go there.  I also recognize my fight will most likely always be there.  But I’m, thankfully, to the point where I can put the thoughts of “depression – you can beat it” to “I am here and work on me” … or Instead of, “I gotta keep my head afloat today – don’t worry about the snow – I can do this!”, it’s “I said ‘good morning’ to Thelma and Kristine and Jaime and all those others and hallelujah, I feel it! I mean it!  It IS a good morning!”  Then there is this reminder: “Don’t forget how I feel today when tomorrow, next week and forever more rolls around!  This is why I come!”

So, you’re like, the title, Susan!  Why did you title this blog “My Suit is Suiting Me Well” and you haven’t mentioned a suit?  Well, I’m gearing up to that.  Water therapy requires suiting up for the water.  Yeah. (dot, dot, dot) Sigh.  Having to suit up everyday, I wanted to feel like I could walk in the water and not yell “SPIDER!” as I point across the pool, hoping all the heads would turn the other way.  (Smiling, laughing, yeah, I think I’m funny!  What can I say? Hehe. But the spider thing, yeah, felt!)  Anyways, I deliberately bought a black suit and a pair of free flowing black shorts to wear during my water therapy.  ‘Deliberately’ meaning black and black.  I didn’t buy it out of depression, but one that might hide my pear-shape uhhh …. whats the word … attributes.  Yeah, attributes.  The attributes I don’t feel as comfortable with while in a swimsuit.  😀  Susan, that’s weird.  Too bad.  BUT,  what has made me feel more confident is this: my new bravery suit (translation: swimsuit) feels good and fits in the all the right places (a rare moment), and if I’m gonna be honest (and I’m gonna because this is what this blog is about – insecure me learning to love me) – dang it, the suit looks good on me, pear-shape and all!  The bonus: The compliments!  Didn’t expect them – at all! But they come and it feels so good!!

What’s your favorite part of getting well – physically, mentally or spiritually?  What have you done to get yourself on your healthy path?  Mine was getting a swimsuit I can live with.  Share with me your thoughts and comments below!

(A new friend at the pool asked where I got my swimsuit – so for you, my darling, here it is: )

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